The Dread It Spiral
Three words landed in my inbox and, just like that, my stomach dropped.
"Can we talk?"
No context, no reason, nothing to go on and yet I was already convinced I was in trouble. No idea what for but convinced nonetheless.
Logic said it was probably nothing - I knew that - but still the sick feeling sat there, churning, until I found out what it was actually about.
Good news or bad, it made no difference. The moment I had an answer, the panic stopped and not a second before.
Shame? Is That Even The Right Word?
A lot of ADHD content reaches for the word "shame" to describe this spiral. I don't understand why.
Yes, it's a strong word and it gets attention but when I think about my own experience or that of my clients, shame doesn't come into it.
Shame looks backwards. It sits on something in the past, focused on something that cuts against your values or your sense of who you are and it weighs heavy.
What most of us feel in these moments is something different altogether.
What we feel is forward-facing dread - the feeling of being accused before anyone has said a word, bracing for a verdict before you even know the charge.
And it shows up everywhere in life!
It's there when a quote goes unanswered for a week.
It's there when a promising first meeting leads nowhere and the expected start date never comes.
It's there when a neighbour texts to say she has a request - despite the fact that you are friends, you still spend twenty minutes wondering what you've done wrong to upset her.
It's even there walking past a police officer in the street, despite never having broken the law in your life.
None of that is shame. It's something more specific and, understanding what it actually is, makes it easier to deal with.
So What Is It Then?
This is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) – you may have heard of it. It's extremely common in ADHD adults.
RSD is not about being oversensitive or dramatic. It's a neurological overreaction to the perception of rejection and, in an ADHD head, ambiguity is almost always perceived as rejection.
When the message has arrived but the meaning hasn't, the head fills that space with worst-case scenario and holds it there, physically, in your body, until an answer comes.
The ambiguity is the problem, not the client, not the neighbour, nor the officer on the pavement.
The not-knowing is what does it.
This is why logic doesn't help in the moment. You already know it's probably fine - the rational part of you knows that - but logic doesn't play a part in RSD. Your nervous system does and it won't stand down until it has something concrete to hold onto.
I didn't learn any of this from a textbook. I recognised it in myself long before I had a name for it. When I started working with ADHDers, I heard it in almost every client conversation. The avoided inbox, the unsent proposal, the quote left hanging, the meeting that felt great until the silence set in.
Can Anything Help?
The most useful thing you can do is to eliminate the uncertainty as quickly as possible. Waiting it out is the worst option because every hour without an answer, is an hour your head fills with threat.
Act: Even a small one will interrupt the spiral because it gives your nervous system something to do other than catastrophise.
Send a brief reply, check in or ask a direct question.
Label it: Name what is happening - not to argue with it, just to say it out loud. "Stop. This is just my head filling in the blanks again. This is RSD, not reality."
You don't need to fully believe it but voicing it breaks the loop.
Move: Walk to another room, make tea, step outside. RSD freezes the body as well as the mind.
Movement is one of the fastest ways to signal that whatever is happening is not a physical emergency. It doesn't need to be a long walk - just enough to break the thought pattern.
EG: When there's a reply you've been sitting on:
Draft it, check it once and hit send. Don't wait for it to be perfect; wait for it to be gone.
EG: When there's an email you've been avoiding:
Open it and answer one question. Never wait to feel ready. That moment is not coming so just do something.
What Stops It Coming Back
Tactics help in the moment but if RSD keeps pulling you under, something in the system around you needs to change. It gets worse in isolation. It loses its hold when you're not alone with it.
A great example of this came from AB, a documentary filmmaker who came to me caught in exactly this kind of forward-facing dread, not just around client work but around the simplest tasks on her to-do list. Every untouched item dragged her down. She said:
"Talking through my to-do list and having [Piera] write it up and send it over is a godsend, as I lack the patience to make a list without starting on tasks." ~ AB, Documentary Filmmaker
The task was never the problem. The spiral around the task was the problem and, bringing someone else in, broke it quickly.
We can sort this out together. A Power Hour or Clarity Session is designed to be a circuit breaker.
You talk, I listen and, together, we map what's actually there rather than what RSD is telling you is there. The uncertainty closes. You move on.
Book a free 15-minute call. We'll sort it out together.